35 Years of Sholay: The Best of Sholay Jokes

Sholay TitleAlso see: Sholay 3D: The unofficial Google doodle

Every other film, nowadays, that goes on to become a hit claims to be the greatest hit ever in Indian cinema. The fact is, Sholay is and will remain for quite some time to come, the biggest Bollywood movie ever made.

Sholay released on August 15, 1975 is also loved for its numerous humorous moments and is also the inspiration for many a joke.

I googled for Sholay jokes and was surprised to find so few of them on the internet and also that no one bothered to put them together in one place.

Searched for Sholay jokes, Gabbar jokes, Sambha jokes, Kalia jokes, Thakur jokes, Basanti jokes, Dhanno jokes, Jai-Veeru jokes and even Soorma Bhopali jokes and most of the jokes turned out to be stale. Others were just old jokes with the names replaced by Sholay characters.

Here are the results of my googling efforts. The best Sholay jokes (please add your favourite Sholay joke in the comments and I’ve left out a few deliberately):

Some jokes may not be suitable for minors.

The tragedy of Sholay: Ek to Thakur ki biwi nahi thi upar se Gabbar ne uske haath bhi kaat diye.

*****

Gabbar to Sambha: Pehle Thakur ki biwi ko maar dalo, phir Thakur ke haath kaat do, phir usko roj Viagra khilao. Wo sar patak patak ke khud hi mar jaayega.

*****

Gabbar: Yeh haath mujhe de de Thakur

Thakur: Lele b*******d, lekin har subah 8 baje mera gaand dhoone aa jaana.

*****

Why did Gabbar’s mom slap him on his birth? Because he asked, “Kitne aadmi the?”

*****

Basanti: Bhaag Dhanno bhaag, aaj teri Basanti ki izzat ka sawaal hai.

Dhanno: Tujhe apni padi hai, meri soch jiske peeche Gabbar ke dus ghode pade hai.

*****

Gabbar: Aaj maine Basanti ko nahate hue dekha.

Veeru: Kutte kaminey me tera khoon pee jaaonga!

Gabbar: Arre, mein naha raha tha. Basanti wahan se guzar rahi thi.

*****

IPL final match. Gabbar vs Thakur. The bowlers from Thakur’s team gave away 100 extra runs. Why? Because Thakur was wicketkeeper.

*****

Gabbar: Kitne aadmi the?

Kalia: Pata nahi Sardar, mein to aurtein hi gin raha tha.

*****

Gabbar: Aadmi teen aur goliyan cheh? Bahut nainsafi hain!

Sambha: Kahe ki nainsafi Sardar? Teen admiyon ki cheh goli hi to hoti hain!

*****

Gabbar enters Basanti’s house in the night and starts having sex. After the act is over, Gabbar asks, “Bolo Basanti, mazaa aaya kya?” “Mazaa to bahut aaya, par mein Basanti nahin Mausi hoon!,” came the reply.

*****

Twitter-addict Gabbar, “ye retweet mujhe dede Thakur!”

*****

Gabbar: Ye haath hum ko de de Thakur!

Thakur: Nahin Gabbar! Mein dil ka mariz hoon. Agar tune mere haath kaat diye to mai BP kaise check karwaunga?

*****

Maa apne bete se kehti hain, “So jaa beta warna Gabbar aa jayega.”

Beta jawab deta hain, “Maa mujhe chocolate do varna Papa se keh dunga ke mere sone ke bad roz Gabbar aata hai.”

*****

Gabbar: Kitne admi the?

Kalia: Sardar 2.

Gabbar: Mujhe ginti nahi aati. 2 kitne hote hain?
Kalia: Sardar 2, 1 ke baad aata hain.

Gabbar: Or 2 ke pehle?

Kalia: 2 ke pahle 1 aata hain.

Gabbar: To bich me kaun aata hain?

Kalia: Beech me koi nahi aata hain.

Gabbar: To phir dono ek saath kyon nahi aate hain?

Kalia: 2, 1 ke baad hi aa sakta hai. Kyonki 2, 1 se bada hota hain.

Gabbar: 2, 1 se kitna bada hota hai?

Kalia: 2 ,1 se 1 bada hai.

Gabbar: Agar 2, 1 se 1 bada hai to 1, 1 se kitna bada hai?

Kalia: Sardar maine apka namak khaya hai. Mujhe goli mar do!

*****

Gabbar sends Kaalia and two others to Ramgadh to collect the loot-maar software he had ordered.

They reach Ramgad and start shouting, “Abe O Thakur! Kahan hai wo loot-maar software? Last date to kab ka nikal gaya”.

Thakur shouts back in anger “Chillao mat! Jaakar Gabbar se kah do ki Thakur software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai.”

Kaalia: “Bahoot garmi dikha rahe ho Thakur? Koi naye programmers hire kiye hain kya?”

Thakur: “Nazar uttha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chal raha hai.”

Kaalia looks up and sees Veru working on a PC on one watertank and Jai on another, using a laptop. Kaalia starts laughing and says “Ha ha! Thakur ne freshers ko liya hai. Yeh log programming karenge? Inko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate.”

Veeru shouts, “Chup-chaap chala ja kutte. Hum log consultants hain, kuch bhi kar sakte hain.”

Jay hits some commands on his keyboard, then says “Jaao kaalia, Gabbar se kahna ki uska server down ho gaya.”

At Gabbar’s den

Gabbar “Kitne bugs the?”

Kaalia “Do sarkaar.”

Gabbar “Wo do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhi fix nahi kar sake? Kya soch ke aye ho? Gabbar bahoot khush hoga? Naya assignment dega aur increment bhi? Iski saza milegi, barobar milegi.”

Gabbar snatches an X terminal from Sambaa, “Kitne sessions hain is machine mein?”

Sambaa: “Chhey sarkaar.”

Gabbar: “Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naainsaafi hai. Logout, logout, logout. Haan ab theek hai. Ab tera kya hoga Kaalia?”

Kaalia: “Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha.”

Gabbar: “To ab documentation kar!”

*****

(No offence meant to Satyam. This joke turned viral after news of the Satyam Scam broke out)

Jai: Mausi, ladka Satyam mein kaam karta hai.
Mausi: Hai Ram! Aur kahin try kar raha hain kya?

Jai: Kahan Mausi, do saal Satyam me rahne ke baad koi company leti kahan hain.
Mausi: Hai Raam! To kya do saal se Satyam mein hi hain?

Jai: Haan socha tha do saal me salary hike hogi hi. Aajkal to salary bhi jyada nahin mil rahi hain use.
Mausi: To kya salary bhi kam milti hain?

Jai: Ab appraisal bhi to asaani se kahaan hota hai Mausi.
Mausi: To kya appraisal bhi nahi hota uska?

Jai: Senior se ladhai karne ke baad appraisal mein achhi rating to nahin milti hai na Mausi.
Mausi: To kya seniors se ladhta bhi hain?

Jai: Ab do saal tak onsite jaane ko na mile to ho jaati hai kabhi kabhi anban.
Mausi: To kya ab tak ek baar bhi onsite nahi gaya?

Jai: Ab outdated technology ke developer ki kismat mein to yehi likha hai Mausi.
Mausi: Kya kaha, ladka outdated technology mein kaam karata hai?

Mausi: Kaunse college se padhai ki hai?
Jai: Uska pata lagte hi hum aapko khabar de denge!

Jai: To main rishta pakka samjhuna mausi?
Mausi: Beta, kan khol kar sun lo, sagi Mausi hoon Basanti ki, koi sauteli maa nahi. Bhale hi hamaari Basanti call centre wale Chandu se shaadi kar le, par Satyam ke employee se katai nahin karegi!

******

Gabbar: Basanti chaddi utar.

Veeru: Nahin Basanti, in kutto ke samne chaddi mat utarna!

Basanti: Veeru dar mat, maine chaddi pahni hi nahi hain.

******

[Added September, 19, 2012]

If Anil Kapoor played Thakur in Sholay, then Gabbar would’ve yelled, “Yeh baal humko de de Thakur, yeh baal humko de de!” [From here]

  • Rahul

    Thakur : Loha garam hai,maar do hathoda!!
    Veeru starts having sex with Basanti immediately..
    Thakur fainted..

  • Rahul

    One night Basanti returns home only to find out Veeru and Mausi having some good time in bed..
    Shocked,she said : “Mausi, yeh kya?aap mere veeru ke sath….?”
    Mausi : “Is ladke ka na hi khandan ka paata hai aur nahi kamai ka..tere sathe shaadi se pehle yeh to dekh lun mera khandan aage badhegi ki nehi..sagi Mausi hoon, koi sauteli maa nahi. “

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